Kirk Novak: Porn Script

PORN SCRIPT

Written by

Kirk Novak

Based on pornography

novakkirk@gmail.com 

SCENE ONE

INT. HOLLYWOOD HILLS MANSION – DAY

CANDY SAMPLES sits at the kitchen island drinking wine. The DOORBELL rings. She gets up and looks through the peephole. An EXTERMINATOR stands outside the door. You can tell he’s an exterminator because he’s wearing coveralls, a baseball hat that says, “EXTERMINATOR,” and carrying a spray can. Candy answers the door.

EXTERMINATOR

(ambiguous Eastern European accent)

I received a call that you had a problem with mice. 

CANDY

I have a pussy (beat) cat that keeps them away. 

EXTERMINATOR

I have a toy your pussy can play with. 

CANDY

Meow!

Candy and the Exterminator start making out, undress, perform fellatio, and then vaginal penetration throughout the mansion. 

THE END 

SCENE TWO

INT. UNITED NATIONS – DAY

United Nations Secretary General BANG ME SOON is mediating a dispute between the envoys of two countries in a closed door session. They are all wearing suits. Just the suits. No shirts, no ties. That’s how you can tell this is a geopolitical summit. DIPLOMAT #1 and DIPLOMAT #2 are arguing. Bang Me Soon interrupts them. 

BANG ME SOON

Gentlemen, I see only one way to resolve this crisis. 

DIPLOMAT #1

By peacefully sharing our disputed borders!

BANG ME SOON

By launching your missiles and sharing me!

DIPLOMAT #2

(kind of German accent)

Well, we are already erect!

Bang Me Soon, Diplomat #1, and Diplomat #2 have a three-way in the office on the desk that ends with double penetration. 

THE END

SCENE THREE

EXT. GATES OF HEAVEN – ETERNAL LIGHT

A LARGE GROUP of completely naked MEN stand at the GATES OF HEAVEN. The gates open and there stands an ANGEL. You can tell she’s an angel from heaven because she’s totally naked with large surgically enhanced breasts and super hot.

ANGEL

You are here because you have been saved. Prepare to enter the Gates of Heaven. 

The large group of men hoot and high five. They are going to gang bang this Angel as their reward in heaven. The Angel’s eyes turn black. 

ANGEL (CONT’D)

You won’t be needing these! 

An Angel has magical spiritual superpowers of speed that will be made clear by speeding up the video as she proceeds to rip the penis off of each man with her bare hands and casts them down to Earth one by one. The Angel laughs as the men lower their heads and shuffle into heaven ashamed and bleeding, into an eternal life of androgyny. When the men meet God, they see she is woman and she has had enough. 

THE END 

FIN 

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