Kirk Novak: If Planned Parenthood is Defunded, I’ll Lose My Job as a Baby Part Sorter

Look, work is good for the soul. America works. If these fat cat Republicans in Washington get their chance they’ll defund Planned Parenthood, and I’ll lose my job as a baby part sorter. It’s only part-time with no benefits, and the work is repetitive and boring, but it’s how I pay the rent. Sure, I’d like to be a doctor performing abortions for the big bucks, but without a GED I’m stuck as a low man on the totem-pole. I just put a torso here and a head there, and an arm in the arm bin and a leg in the leg bin. I don’t have to tell you what would happen if them parts got mixed up in them bins, but you’ll find out if Christian conservatives bribe enough votes to pass an act of Congress requiring us to use the Holy Bible as a human health services manual.

I mean, Republicans act like they care about babies, but not if they were never born. A soul is formed at conception, not birth. They’ll get into heaven all right. Anywho, I just got this job and I’d sure hate to get laid off before I even made it through the probationary period. A lot of people don’t realize this, but Planned Parenthood provides many other services far more frequently than abortions. They also give me the medicine I need to live because I do a real good job sorting digits from medial to lateral. The medicine has an unpronounceable name, but it keeps me from screaming at the things I see when I close my eyes and renders me sterile to prevent me from passing on my genetic horrors. Planned Parenthood meets basic health needs like this for all kinds of people.

Well, I don’t mean to be short, but I’ve got leave for my 12-hour shift now. If I don’t show up I feel like I really let those kids down. They’re counting on me because I’m counting them into assorted containers divided by body part.

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