Emily Lund: 10 Reasons Why Bill Cosby Can Suck My Dick!

Now, you might be thinking that I’m going to judge Mr. Cosby on his latest sexual assault allegations and make a snap decision that he is guilty and therefore, can suck my dick.  I’m not that kind of girl and would not make that sort of accusation when I have no proof.  Here’s what I know and why Dr. Huxtable can suck it!

1) Pudding:  The only time I have ever even seen pudding is on a salad bar, and it is an unnatural shade of beige not related to chocolate or butterscotch.  It generally has a random garbanzo bean or a beet floating in the middle of it, and the container appears untouched because nobody actually eats the gelatinous goop.  In a world of amazing and delicious desserts, instant pudding is a third world country.  No reputable celebrity should be hocking it, even in pudding-pop form.

2) Sweaters:  The Cosby sweater is an actual thing and by thing, I mean a hideously ugly thing that no one should ever wear.  I can’t make excuses for it, even though it was the early 90’s.  No one needs that many color swatches in one single knit garment. We may never ever recover from the tragedy of those sweaters.

3) Childhood Obesity: Just ask Michelle Obama, childhood obesity is a major problem in this country.   No good can come out of a children’s program where the main character is not only constantly milling around the streets during the day with a bunch of other questionable friends but he’s also morbidly obese.  “Hey, Hey, Hey, eat all night and eat all day!” is not the message we want for our youth.

4) Comedy:  I’ve tried and I’ve tried. I just don’t get it.  I’ve listened and witnessed his standup routines (via the television), and his standup act is simply not funny.  I’m not the only one with this opinion.  His routine about giving women spanish fly and then having sex with them seems a bit too real and a lot less funny.

5) Ghost Dad: I’m ashamed to say I have seen this movie from beginning to end.  It is a terrible piece of drivel that no human should be subjected to.  Not only is Bill Cosby not funny in this film, he has to become a ghost to realize that it’s important to spend time with family (while not drugging and raping women).  If he doesn’t realize in time, he’ll move from being a ghost to just dead…two thumbs down.

6) Slamming Poor Black People:  I won’t go into the specifics of his speech, now known as the Pound Cake speech Generally, he blames Black American communities’ parenting skills and poverty ridden Black Americans for all the problems of Black Americans.  Instead of defending the poverty-ridden or recognizing how these communities arrived at this place, Cosby seemingly blames them.  Not cool.

7) Audience Manipulation: Just when we thought we were done with the Cosby Show, we were sucked back in through means of tiny, cute, child persuasion.  Rudy was always the youngest, cutest and most entertaining of children, but as she started to get older, she was not as endearing to fans (neither was the show).  In order to suck us back in, Cosby added a smaller, younger, cuter version of Rudy to join the cast (Olivia). This new cast member dragged the audience back in for additional unnecessary seasons, and years of our lives we will never get back.  Way to use small children to manipulate us!

8) Honorary Awards/Degrees:  Before the accusations, Bill Cosby had over 10 honorary degrees or awards from universities and organizations. I have to question the validity or importance of these honors. Were those honors really earned? When the honors and degrees come from places where you gave large sums of money, perhaps those honors/degrees were bought?  Maybe just maybe, those donations weren’t an attempt to buy honor but more like a guilt offering?

9) Mentoring: We can’t all agree on what Mr. Cosby did or didn’t do with the women of his past, but I think we can all agree that he was a really really shitty “mentor”. There doesn’t seem to be any debate on whether or not these women were in a mentoring program with Cosby, but now, it is safe to say, these women did not feel “mentored” after their encounters with him.

10) Assholery (to paraphrase the great Louis CK): If people are calling you an asshole, you are an asshole; you don’t get to dispute being an asshole because being an asshole is about who thinks you’re an asshole.  You don’t get to say you’re not an asshole if someone calls you one.  Assholery is not in the eye of the beholder; it’s in the eye of the accuser.  If 23 women have accused you of some sort of inappropriate behavior, Mr. Cosby, you are an asshole!