There are very few things I take pleasure in these days. I love losing myself in shows about Vikings, diving into a glass (or a few) of bourbon, and I love vicariously living a different life through Facebook. It sounds horrible, but I assure you, it’s not.
I see parties that were had, babies that were born, articles that were read, and all of these things are done without me being there. For some people that creates hostility and jealousy, but for me, it brings me comfort and joy. I love knowing that the people I know and care for are happy and that lives are being celebrated. Alas, I cannot completely say that I don’t get jealous or have a sense of FOMO on occasion.
There are tools that I use to help me quell those feelings of “why not me?” and I would like to share them with you, so that you can find the sense of tranquility that I find when strolling through my Facebook, Instagram, or whatever social media feed that I am consuming.
1. Physical Accomplishments, such as athletic races, weight loss, and new haircuts: Open a new tab on your browser and order P90x, hit “like” and then look for the donuts in the kitchen.
2. Dinner Events: A photo of friends eating dinner without you can be disappointing. Especially since you’re the person who recommended to the organizer that you two should go to the new hot spot together and had even spent time going over the online menu deciding that she would get the double bone Berkshire pork chop and you would get the short rib stroganoff and together you would share the ala carte fucking sides, including the creamed spinach, even though you hate creamed spinach, you’d get it for her, goddamn it! The best way to deal with this one is to hit “like” and then secretly curse her with food poisoning.
3. Job Promotion: When you see that someone you know has checked off another great accomplishment on the list of Life, take a moment to let the jealousy wash through you like an angry tsunami leaving remnants of insecurity around your feet, then take a deep breath and simply hit “like” before tossing your computer through a window.
4. Vacations: Scenes of sandy feet, tropical drinks, and hammocks are horrible because usually when you see those photos, you’re at your desk at the job you should have left two years ago. The best plan of attack here is to curl your toes as tight as you can under your desk, squeeze your mouse until your fingers are stiff, then hit “like” and quit your job.
5. Beginning a Family: Weddings and new babies are the worst. First of all, who are these people who think they are so important that they should procreate? Secondly, no one cares about that dumb baby, and statistically, the marriage will fall apart. This is the time for you to focus on the long haul and look forward to seeing the divorce or “Here’s Joey Going to Rehab” photos.
6. Parties: Not everyone gets invited to parties and that’s ok. There’s only so much space to invite people so take comfort in that and hit “like”. The next step is to print the party picture and print a picture of just you. Get out some glue and scissors to cut out your face and then glue your face over the party’s host. Frame the photo, crawl under your desk, and start crying whilst wishing you were dead.
7. Humblebrag: The humblebrag is a tricky art because the person doing said humblebragging does it in a way that isn’t intentionally drawing attention to the fact that he is awesome. A good example is, “Champange or martinis in the Ferrari or McLaren? Being a CFO of Merrill Lynch is hard.” Fuck that guy. Unfriend him immediately. Pat yourself on the back and burn down the internet.