Kirk Novak: TRUE TALES OF A FORMER PIZZA DELIVERY DRIVER, preface

Drinkers with Writing Problems

Once upon a time, in St. Louis, Missouri during the mid-1990s…

Before I can even begin to relate what it really means to be a pizza delivery driver, I need to manage your expectations and burst your bubble: the one story told by everyone who has delivered pizza is a total fabrication, a complete and utter lie. No one offers you sex in exchange for pizza.

In fact, no one barters for pizza at all. Let me put it another way: Do you remember that time you were working the register at Target when a customer strolled up and offered to fuck you in exchange for a pair of Merona pants? No, you don’t. It’s pretty much the same thing when you’re delivering pizza, except when you deliver pizza people give you tips. People will give you anything, and many things, as a tip – alcohol and drugs (often to…

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