Bourbon is my favorite word. I like how the word rounds out in my mouth. I love the sound of it when I’m asked what my favorite drink is. And I love all the curves around it when I write the word “bourbon.” It wasn’t a surprise when a close friend of mine sent me, a whiskey dipsomaniac, a list from the Elite Daily called 10 Reasons Why You Should Go for the Girl Who Drinks Whiskey. I’ll pause here while you read it.
My first reaction was, “Of course you should go for the girl who drinks whiskey, duh.” Followed by, “I can’t even believe you need a list for that.” But I have a good sense of humor and read through the list. I couldn’t help but wonder if the author has ever met a woman who drank whiskey. At one point, the author writes, “I doubt any true whiskey drinker is going to laugh her ass off after listening to a penis joke, and that’s a good thing for anyone seeking mature company.” I’m a “true” whiskey drinker, mature, and an aspiring stand-up comic, if I can’t handle stiff drinks and stiff dicks, I should just give up and start up my Netflix queue because I’m going nowhere.
In good spirits, pun intended, I decided to write a response to the above mentioned list. However, I cannot emphasize this enough: if you’re choosing whether you should approach a woman based on her drinking preferences over her personality or physical chemistry, you should probably re-evaluate your priorities or just stay home.
- She has a high tolerance for your bullshit list. It’s a bullshit list because it supports the idea that women aren’t supposed to down a “man’s” drink, like whiskey, so when they do it’s “provocative”; similar to when women wear pants.
- She will probably want to start her own list because she’s “emotional” and you’d know this after “sharing a tumbler of whiskey” with her… p.s. it’s a rocks glass, asshole.
- She knows how to hold her liquor but her true test of strength is that she is able to complete her list, with full sentences, after having four bourbons in a row on an empty stomach while she’s waiting for that 2 a.m. novel writing time.
- She is a profound thinker and wonders if she should write a list about 10 Reasons Why You Should NEVER Go for the Guy Who Drinks Vodka, which would obviously include some well-crafted penis jokes and possibly something about cranberry juice.
- She has a great boisterous laugh, while laughing she spills her drink on the table. Without missing a beat, she wipes up the mess with her skirt, finishes her drink, and keeps writing because she does “half-ass” things and a finding a towel is too much effort.
- She has a taste in finer things like not Jim Beam. There’s nothing wrong with Beam, but someone who has been in the whiskey game for awhile knows there are fewer delights in life than a glass of Old Rip Van Winkle 10 year neat.
- Throwing back shots probably isn’t her thing, but getting “pissy drunk” easily can be and there will be no apologies in the morning.
- She can handle hangovers like a boss. Her home is stocked with coconut water, ibuprofen, and vitamin B12. This gal knows that tomorrow will come and she still needs to handle her business. #maturity
- She’d probably tell you to go fuck yourself and then kick your bar stool from under you because she is a badass. By the way, when was badassery defined by “playing bass guitar”?
- She will stand up for herself, and all the other whiskey swigging gal pals, by telling you exactly where you can put your list, right before she lays her head on this table and passes out.