Kirk Novak: I Shouldn’t Look Back, But I Do Anyway

Before I get into my resolutions for the year of 2015, let’s have a look back at what I resolved to do in 2014 to see how successful I was last year at what has generally been described as “ABATIN’ THE HATIN’”. I completely measure my value as a human being in currency funded entirely by how closely I achieved those arbitrary but admirable yet lofty goals and now you can too!

I am going to come into a large sum of money.
This did not happen. I’m poorer than ever. LA is very expensive. When I moved to Chicago people in St. Louis were all, “BUT IT’S SO EXPENSIVE THERE!” I think this is what they were thinking of when they said that. It is totally worth it for 80 degree days and dehydration when everyone in the Midwest is worried about the flu epidemic and frostbite. ACHIEVEMENT PROGRESS – NEGATIVE 100% ACHIEVED

I am going to explore and appreciate the natural beauty of this wonderfully dynamic planet…
I will do this always and until the day I die. I want to see more and more and more and more and more. The Northern Lights while gazing upon Kirkjufell in Iceland, or descending into the basement of the Alamo, for example. ACHIEVEMENT PROGRESS – 100% ACHIEVED

I am going to tell the people that I love that I love them…
I think this is starting to weird people out that I do this so much. I like weird. ACHIEVEMENT PROGRESS – 100% ACHIEVED

I am going to marvel at technology instead of fearing its advances.
You can pry my smart phone from my cold dead hands! I am prepared to start augmenting my body with biomechanical parts, or transferring my consciousness to a 3.5” floppy disk. Please keep me away from magnets. ACHIEVEMENT PROGRESS – 100% ACHIEVED

I am going to embrace my faults and acknowledge that they define me…
I need to work on this. I’m as self-conscious as ever with as low of self-esteem as ever. I think is what happens to people in LA. ACHIEVEMENT PROGRESS – 0% ACHIEVED

I will be a friend to the people that want to be my friend…
I need to work on this. The little pink pill helps. ACHIEVEMENT PROGRESS – 50% ACHIEVED

I will ostracize toxic people from my life.
A move to LA from Chicago from St. Louis will kind of take care of this for you over a period of time whether or not you even think about it ever. I’ve never been happier. ACHIEVEMENT  – 75% ACHIEVED

I am going to try and continue to shape my perspective by trying to imagine how things would affect me if I were a…
A drawback to this is that I now realize how horrible of a person I have been and how terrible many people I know still are. ACHIEVEMENT – 100% ACHIEVED

I am going to try and never intentionally hurt another human being…
We should all make a conscious effort to do this whether the pain is physical or emotional. It’s a good thing I don’t count accidentally hurting another human being, because I do that all the time! ACHIEVEMENT – 100% ACHIEVED

I am going to apologize when I make mistakes.
I got so good at apologizing that I had to make a new resolution to fix that. ACHIEVEMENT – 100% ACHIEVED

I now present to you, my resolutions for the year of 2015! Now in numerical order, but still without significance in rank! Henceforth, I shall not refer to them as “resolutions,” but rather, “lifestyle changes,” because they are all about making me a better person than you.

1. Drink water more frequently. Stay hydrated.
2. Apologize less often. I will own my choices.
3. Lose a cup size or build a better manssiere.
4. COME INTO A LARGE SUM OF MONEY. I wish just saying it made it actually happen. Play the lottery!
5. Do not act my age. I’m getting old and this is how I continue to stay young at heart (drinking the blood of virile dolphins is how I stay young in flesh).
6. Sleep on the thought of going to grad school because I would like both an advanced degree and sleep.
7. Write something
8. Film something
9. ???
10. PROFIT!!!
11. Live one more year.

Thanks for reading and making this all about me.