Many of us at DWWP have participated in the Christmas Letter Swap, a holiday-themed writing challenge that was started by our Drinking Buddy Scott Whitehair in 2013. This week, we will share some of our letters from last year’s swap. Happy holidays from all of us at DWWP!
This piece was originally published on www.christmasletterswap.com.
Dear friends and family,
It has certainly been a momentous year for our family. As you know from our birth announcement a few months ago, Angie’s fertility treatments hit the jackpot and we were blessed with quintuplets(!!?!#?@?!). Alexis, Brendon, Caitlin, Deanna, and Emmett are all happy and healthy, though I don’t know if I can say the same about Angie and me (LOL!! JK). Yes, we named them in alphabetical order; you may think this is a cute device but it’s mostly so that Angie and I don’t lose our motherloving minds trying to remember them all (LOL JK not really JK) (sorry, a little delirious right now). Do you know how much harder the holidays are with 5 3-month-old infants? I bet you don’t, you childless ignorant lucky bastards (JK love ya all). Getting a picture of all of them with Santa Claus took the strategic planning of a military coup. Caitlin actually had explosive diarrhea moments before the picture, the blessed little goddamn angel, but we swapped her out with a 16-inch softball wrapped in a blanket and I don’t think anyone can tell. Let me know when you see the photo! Oh God, I need sleep. Angie was actually supposed to write this letter and when I reminded her about it she threatened to drug the Lean Pocket that is my usual dinner every night these days and cover my genitals in paper cuts using the divorce papers she keeps on hand just in case, so here I am, writing the family Christmas card! Emoticon! Anywho, hoping you are having a happy holiday season! Hope to see you soon (please bring Scotch).
Mark, Angie, Alexis, Brendon, Catelyn, Deanna, Emmett, am I missing anyone oh God I don’t even know who I am anymore