Friends, in the United States of America, the Free-est Country in the World™, corporations are people, which means that corporations have people problems. Now, I admit it has been an unbearably long time since we have last gossiped together, and were it not for an old drinking injury I would get down upon my knees to beg your forgiveness and understanding.
With that said, and without further ado, today we are going to discuss the sexual identity of our country’s greatest persons and citizens, the wonderful, sweet, compassionate, dear, sentient corporations who of course are all strapping American men. So grab yourselves a mint julep, and let’s talk turkey.
I humbly present to you, in no particular order, the top ten conservative corporations that you didn’t know are actually gay men.
Hobby Lobby
Anybody that homophobic is hiding their own homosexuality behind a thin veil of hate and the haze of an airplane glue high, son.
Waffle House
Instead of ordering your hash browns using delightful euphemisms such as scattered, smothered, covered, chunked, diced, peppered, capped, and chopped, you can just say to your server, “all the way,” and then the short order cook will come make short order of you, I declare.
TapouT
We all know that MMA stands for “man on man action,” except for maybe the muscled young men in complete denial that they get a sudden rush of blood right to the top of their old John Thomas watching our most gloriously homoerotic of beloved national sports.
Charles Schwab
Schwab is what Charles often has to do to his backside after illicit, unprotected homosexual encounters in the rest areas that he frequents as an investment in secrecy, but you didn’t hear that from me.
Gold’s Gym
Oh my, all those men checking themselves out in the mirror while they’re lifting heavy weights getting so sweaty and so strong are really just looking to see which wandering eyes is watching them from behind. They certainly aren’t doing that for the ladies. There is a reason paying customers to Gold’s Gym are floridly referred to as “members.”
Chik-Fil-A
Historically, conservatives have condemned the gay men with whom they desire to consort with very badly, and then buy them a chicken sandwich afterwards as display of Southern hospitality. To anyone who can spot the obvious that means “Chik-Fil-A Appreciation Day” was just a really big way to tap their foot in the stall of an airport bathroom, so to speak.
Forever 21
21 is what age all the houseboys are that Forever 21 corporate executives have in their stables because they kill them in just a terrible crime of passion to keep them from turning 22 and also to hide their sexual orientation from their kept wives with whom they don’t ever have sex with ever.
In-N-Out Burger
What’s in a name? The old in and out animal style, Greek, if you understand me. That’s on the secret menu, dear readers. You have to ask for it, but you shall receive it, oh yes.
Tyson
Tyson doesn’t just mean chicken. Urban Dictionary says he is also the “Sexyest (sic) and Nicest Manwhore you will ever meet.” Now, pass me a juicy thigh, son.
Brawny
Oh mighty Mason-Dixon, the Brawny man is thirsty for O’s, which is slang for gallons of southern sweet semen.
Well, my dear family, friends, and secret lovers, until next time, hug a corporation and let them know that there is no shame in being themselves.
Signed,
Colonel Leslie Wayne, drinker, gentleman, Southerner
Drinkers with Writing Problems 