INT. OFFICE BREAKROOM REFRIGERATOR – DAY
A refrigerator main compartment sits dark. The door opens. A hand reaches inside setting a brown paper sack with “KEVIN” written in black marker on the side onto the shelf. The door closes. KEVIN speaks to a co-worker, NORA. A sparse, ominous orchestral score plays in the background.
I brought leftover enchilada casserole for lunch today.
That’s great, Kevin. Great talk.
It tastes better the second day.
The refrigerator door opens. Kevin peeks inside looking for his lunch bag. It isn’t there. He slides some items around to double-check before closing the door feeling uncertain and angry. The ominous score reaches a crescendo.
INT. OFFICE BREAKROOM – DAY
The entire office is assembled in the breakroom. Kevin and Nora stand at the front of the assembly while LUCY, the manager, prepares to address the group. A large banner hangs in back with block letters that read, “WE STILL WANT TO EAT YOU.” MATT, the janitor, harangues employees with pictures of leftover lunches that describe what terrible meals they were.
This lunch was departed! Mushy peas and soggy meat that had been spoiling for days! But a hand rolled pasta from the night before lay untouched!
Everyone, thank you for coming to our lunchtime memorial. It’s been three weeks since the departure.
Is that what we’re calling it? “The departure”? I call it theft.
We can’t explain what happened. The Sheboygan office lost four lunches from their refrigerator, the Boise office six.
Well, here in Mapleton my enchilada casserole was taken!
Look at these pictures! Carrots over risotto! This isn’t spiritual, it’s evil!
And now we have to deal with these freaks in this office staring at us all the time, not saying a word, chewing bubble gum!
A group of employees dressed in khaki pants with white button down shirts stand silently chewing gum and blowing bubbles. They hold signs that with cryptic sayings like, “STOP TRYING TO DIGEST” and “WE CHEW GUM TO REMEMBER TO SWALLOW.”
What are these jerkholes calling themselves again?
The Hungry Remains.
Why don’t you just fire them?
A paper cup flies from out of nowhere and smacks a member of THE HUNGRY REMAINS in the head. A half-eaten sandwich comes next, and soon a cacophony of food is flying in the breakroom.
People, remain calm! I don’t want to write you up! Throwing food is incredibly insensitive during this time!
The breakroom collapses into chaos.
INT. OFFICE STORAGE CLOSET – DAY
LAURIE, an employee and member of The Hungry Remains, is in the storage closet collecting supplies. Kevin enters.
Hi Laurie, I see you’re here for paper clips too.
Laurie stares silently at Kevin and pops a big bubble.
Laurie, we’ve worked together for ten years! Can you please talk to me?
Laurie takes a pad of paper, furiously scribbles something down on it, and hands it to Kevin. It simply reads, “NO.” She walks past Kevin out of the storage closet. Kevin stands and stares at the paper forlornly.
INT. OFFICE LOBBY – NIGHT
Kevin is the last person leaving the office for the evening. He stands in the lobby looking at a photo of the office softball team from the big company picnic a couple months ago. There is Laurie standing next to Kevin smiling. His stomach rumbles. He puts his hand on the front door and starts to open it and leave. Kevin grows despondent and starts pounding on the door with the flat of his palm, wordlessly screaming, tears streaming down his face. He is really upset about that missing lunch and what it has done to his professional relationship with Laurie. He composes himself and leaves.
EXT. OFFICE PARKING LOT – NIGHT
Kevin walks to his car. Standing nearby are two members of The Hungry Remains, silently staring at Kevin, chewing gum and blowing bubbles.
Eat a bag of dicks you creepy losers! Let it go! It was just lunch!
Kevin gets in his car and peels out. The members of The Hungry Remains slowly walk on.
INT. OFFICE BREAKROOM – DAY
The next morning Nora is standing in the breakroom with Laurie and other members of The Hungry Remains.
So, when do I have to stop talking? I think I have khakis and a shirt at home, already.
Laurie scribbles, “WHEN YOU’RE READY” on a sheet of paper and hands it to Nora.
I understand that you need to save all that mouth motion for chewing the food before the rest of it departs our refrigerator. Okay, I’m in.
Kevin is standing in the doorway looking and Nora and Laurie with an exasperated expression.