So, you decide you needed to “have some fun”, “live a little”, “blow off some steam”, “find an excuse to convince the 25-year-old pool boy to come in for a minute”, and now it’s the next morning…or is it the afternoon? (Either way, someone should turn off the sun.) As you’re preparing to venture out into the world with your heavy eyes, throbbing headache, and vague sense of regret, here are 10 essential phrases that will help you through the day.
- Coconut water, please.
- That’s fine, whatever you want, just stop talking.
- It’s on my to-do list for tomorrow.
- What’s the Netflix password?
- I’ll just lay here, you put it in.
- I did what?
- Dear God, if you let me survive this day without throwing up, I swear that I’ll be the best person on the planet. I’ll give up my house, my belongings, my family. I’ll sell everything I have to buy a ticket to a desert, probably just Arizona, and wander it day after day seeking your voice. Once I find you, I will take your words and tablets and travel most of the Southwest and possibly a good portion of California preaching your words. Just make it stop, God, MAKE IT STOP! I SWEAR I’LL NEVER DO THIS AGAIN….until I feel better.
- I’m sorry.
- Martini, no vermouth, up with a twist