Kirk Novak: Check it out, Hollywood

I wrote some extended loglines, for a literary audience, based on drawings/notes that I found written in the margins of my various notebooks. I also have a book full of addresses of important people in Hollywood to send them to if the feedback is promising. I’ll jot these stupid premises down on the back of a napkin in pencil, slap a stamp (good FOREVER) on top of it, drop it into the nearest mailbox, and sit down to wait for the inevitable phone call.

Check it out, Hollywood. Let’s make a deal so I can pay off these student loans and cultivate a serious drug habit. At least the student loans. I’m a dreamer.

A CAT NAMED DOLLAR: A brother and sister take in a sickly kitten to try and keep their parents from divorcing, but the cat constantly throws up large amounts of dollar bills instead of hairballs. As Dollar gets sicker the family must decide whether or not to seek care, and in the process they learn that there are some things more important than money.

HOT PANTS VENDOR: For everyone who ever wondered why the Sea Captain in the Simpsons carried a precious cargo of hot pants, or for anyone who has struggled to make a better life for their children. The hot pants vendor learns hard lessons about hard sells as he tries to fall in love and support his daughter with a job that is not his career.

MOVIE STAR BEAR: A trained bear travels to Hawaii to film a movie and decides he loves it so much there that he stays. The bear somehow starts a family, destroying the local culture and habitat, but they eventually grow to become accepted by the islanders when they kill a wild boar for the big luau.

TOTALLY RIPPED FLY: A genetically mutated fly with massive muscular human arms and legs. People are at first horrified by his appearance, but eventually come to be impressed by his strength, and grow to accept him as their hero.

DO NOT SIT YOUR DRINK HERE: I clearly wrote those words on the inside of my notebook, but people kept setting their drinks right on top of it anyway. Unable to correct that behavior using passive methods, I start to get very angry about something completely stupid, but I soon learn to accept the things that I cannot change.

Call me.


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