Kim Nelson: Who, Me?

[This piece was originally posted at www.ponytailup.com.]

One winter morning, after brushing the snow off the windshield of my car, I caught a glimpse of a folded piece of paper stuck under my wiper blade. I opened it up and read the following message: “You should know that you park like a punk, like a bitch, That’s right, a bitch!”

My reaction was equal parts confusion, annoyance, and amusement. I do not deny that at times in my life I have indeed parked like a bitch. This particular day, however, I was in the last spot before the Burger King entrance, a perfectly acceptable parking job with adequate but not overly  ample room between my front bumper and the car in front of me, appropriately hugging the curb. I could see no reason for complaint, let alone getting called a rude name not once, not twice, but thrice.

The note was scrawled in pencil on a piece of paper obviously torn from a college-ruled notebook; its author may have been a scholar but is no gentleman. Interestingly, the message had almost a sing-songy cadence to it. Perhaps it was left by a musical theater major–someone who just lost out on a coveted role in their school’s production of Into the Woods might be disgruntled enough to leave a note like this on an unsuspecting Ford Focus. Also, who besides a student carries a pencil on them? I guess it could have been a police sketch artist, golf caddy, or Pictionary enthusiast.

After the initial wave of indignant anger passed, I just felt bad for this person and their lack of creativity. What does “park like a bitch” even mean? They could have said “You park like a person with poor spatial intelligence” and gotten their point across more clearly. (And get a pen like a normal grown adult, you weirdo.) There is so much negativity already in the world that it doesn’t do anyone any good to perpetuate it further. Let’s right this ship. Maybe I will start leaving random notes on peoples’ cars like “You parked excellently today. Well done!” Or even better: “You should know that you park Like a champ, like a boss, THAT’S RIGHT A BOSS!”