Elizabeth Gomez: Inappropriate Sentiments for Greeting Cards

Birthday: It’s Your Birthday…I slept with your grandmother. We’re getting married.

I’m Sorry: For sleeping with your grandmother, marrying her, and stealing away your inheritance. Love from Cabo!

Anniversary: Happy Anniversary to the Man I Love…I hope my husband never finds out. LOL!

Happy Easter: Praise be to the Lord, He has Risen…ALL LAMBS SHOULD DIE! Then sprinkle with rosemary and thyme for a delicious dinner celebrating Christ.

Congratulations: You’ve graduated high school!…Now, try to get through college without a cocaine addiction.

Thank You: Thank You…for giving me something that will be in next month’s yard sale.

New Baby: God has blessed you with a baby…Let’s hope your wife doesn’t drown it.

Get Well Soon: May God bless you with a speedy recovery…but then I hope you get hit by a car when you leave the hospital because I love watching you suffer.

Thinking of You: I’ve been thinking of you all day…Actually, I’ve been feeling guilty lately because I’ve been pretending that I have a job, instead of telling you that I was laid off a month ago. Those sales commission checks are never coming.

Merry Christmas: Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells…You were adopted. We’re not your real family.

I Miss You: Everyday you’re gone, I miss you…but your life partner was a real asshole.

Sympathy: The memory of love will forever linger in our hearts…The memory of that arrow going through your mom’s face will horrify us just as long.

Empathy: I can’t imagine what you’re going through…fuck…an arrow? Really?