17 THINGS NOT TO SAY TO SOMEONE STANDING AT A CTA BUS STOP WITH A MACKEREL IN THEIR HAND.

ONE

I know that this seems like an innocent question and an obvious one with which to lead, but to someone standing at a CTA bus stop with a mackerel in their hand, the answer is yes and your small talk is banal.

TWO

Someone standing at a CTA bus stop with a mackerel in their hand knows what kind of fish they are fucking carrying, and if they don’t it isn’t any of your business.

THREE

Why aren’t you carrying a mackerel?

FOUR

If the fish was in a cooler it would be someone standing at a CTA bus stop with a cooler in their hand. That is an entirely different list of many things not to say to a person doing one specific thing.

FIVE

If someone standing at a CTA bus stop with a mackerel in their hand starts hitting you with that mackerel, run away instead of making this perfectly reasonable request.

SIX

See #5.

SEVEN

The kind of person who is standing at a CTA bus stop with a mackerel in their hand, that’s who.

EIGHT

Yes, and now someone standing at a CTA bus stop with a mackerel in their hand has one instead of you.

NINE

I know how to clean a floor, but I wouldn’t say that to someone standing at a CTA bus stop with a mackerel in their hand, either.

TEN

Gross.

ELEVEN

Probably the mackerel in the hand of the person standing at a CTA bus stop.

TWELVE

    Nobody likes a know-it-all.

THIRTEEN

If you’re not going to stop someone standing at a CTA bus stop with a mackerel in their hand from boarding with that fish, shut the fuck up.

FOURTEEN

Someone standing at a CTA bus stop with a mackerel in their hand wordlessly nods their head in agreement.

FIFTEEN

They won’t listen.

SIXTEEN

Ventra cards might as well be fucking mackerel.

SEVENTEEN

Snape kills Dumbledore.