Kirk Novak: In Defense of… What Now?

I recently moved from Chicago to Los Angeles, right before the weather got all Scandinavian and everyone in Andersonville got all nostalgic for winters that weren’t quite so wintry in their sustained brutality. I feel pangs of regret daily after leaving everyone behind, because I escaped the winter vortex and all I got was this stupid…

1. Bronzed God Tan – I need to start wearing sunblock before I start wearing white suits and gold chains.

2. Muscle Definition – In fact, my wife constantly remarks how I’ve gotten “buff” lately. Compliments from your spouse on your physique makes it incredibly hard to wallow in self-loathing when there is clearly a toned lateral deltoid starting to tighten up your teachers’ arm.

3. Pair of Sunglasses – I have to wear them all the time and I look so cool. I often forget them as soon as I walk outside and I have to go back and get them. They have become more important than my wallet or keys.

4. Bleached Hair – The sun lightens my hair and mellows my attitude much like the…

5. Medical Marijuana – When people say “Girl Scout Cookies” I no longer think of actual Girl Scout Cookies first because that’s what they call a strain of medical marijuana.

6. Sushi Row – I have delicious Japanese food in walking distance. Taking a walk on a February night to get fresh (like, fished that day, not flown) sushi and drink watery American-style lager is something that I do now without socks or a jacket.

7. Soundtrack by Hall and Oates – “Alone Too Long” makes me dance down the sidewalk like a 5’10” ripped bronzed god with bleached out hair wearing a pair of sunglasses high on medical marijuana on his way to get Japanese food.

8. Whatever – I think #7 is an excellent point for me to stop and go outside to enjoy the beautiful weather on this winter day in sunny Southern California.

I really do love winter, but like Randy Newman sang, “I love LA.” The people living in Chicago right now are growing stronger, unified in their anticipation of the upcoming release of spring. I am growing more insane and weak in the land of eternal summer, but I won’t freeze to death when I am homeless.