Kirk Novak: Real Fake Police Blotter #3

Blue collar central California town braces for drug epidemic after legislative tete-a-tete
McGunrunnersville, CA

DRUGSIn the latest example of civic government succumbing to the futility of the drug war, the McGunrunnersville, CA town council voted unanimously on Thursday to overturn a law prohibiting marijuana dispensaries from setting up shop in their jurisdiction. Residents of McGunrunnersville overwhelming supported the measure, with many expressing disbelief at rival municipality Virtue Vista who recently voted to ban Marijuana cultivation within their own city limits. The Virtue Vista cannabis ban was hastily passed in an apparent attempt to curb illegal activity by local motorcycle club, “The Grim Reefers, McGunrunnersville Chapter,” who frequently go on roaring runs through the neighboring township.

“Those stupid sonsabitches,” said longtime McGunrunnersville resident Otis Clemson, president of the Grim Reefers MC McGunrunnersville Chapter, and town council member of McGunrunnersville in perpetuity. “They’re going to need that tax revenue when the courthouse needs a coat of paint,” he added. “The Grim Reefers are just a charitable organization. I keep telling the council we need to change the name of this fucking town.”

Despite the hysteria surrounding an influx of degenerate addicts high on pot in McGunrunnersville, authorities do not foresee marijuana dispensaries having any measurable impact on major crime. The McGunrunnersville Police Department expects to cope with a flood of citations for minor offenses, which was experienced by the Virtue Vista PD before their town enacted the cannabis ban.

“It will help keep the lights on at the station,” said Sheriff Token when asked about the expected increase in the issuance of misdemeanor fines.

“Sometimes we’ll catch one of ‘em (a marijuana user) driving way under the speed limit, or sitting at a stop sign longer than necessary,” said Deputy Timmons, adding, “You start to let things go that you wouldn’t a used to, because you don’t want to get buried under the paperwork.”

Truly, a terrifying portent of the devastation and degeneracy yet to arrive at the doorstep of homes in McGunrunnersville.



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