Elizabeth Gomez: The Resolution for Resolutions (v. 2014)

Get-Happy-New-Year-2014-Free-Photo-Card-9Happy 2014, dear subscribers and friends of Drinkers with Writing Problems. We hope that you’ve enjoyed our little break. We are excited to report that while we were gone, no one unsubscribed to our blog so we consider that a good sign looking toward 2014.

The writers here at DWWP are still feeling sluggish and lazy, but since we have to get back into the swing of things, we’ve decided to do a theme week to get our brains a-pumping. This week’s theme is about, you guessed it, resolutions. Looks like I’m the lucky one to start off the week.

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I don’t believe in resolutions. They are stupid because in order to make a commitment to change, I am forced to look at all the things that’s wrong about me. Being a fledgling writer with no future, these reflections happen hourly, so there’s no need to make a big production of it at the beginning of every year. However, I’m a team player and have come up with a way to commit to goals for 2014 that I know I can accomplish.

1. Never wear pants when I’m in my house.

2. Go to the gym once every 2 – 3 months – this includes steambath only visits.

3. Spend 20 more dollars than I have in my checking account about 4 days before I get paid.

4. Watch more competitive inking shows – even ones hosted by David Navarro.

5. Keep my ear to the ground for a possible audition as the new cat handler on “My Cat from Hell”.

6. Find a back up celebrity crush to replace Ryan Gosling – probably an African American or Cuban athlete.

7. Drink more juice straight from the container.

8. Find sustainable ways to procrastinate from writing, ie – pluck my eyebrows, drink with friends, rewatch all the seasons of Mob Wives.

9. Judge people harshly, especially entitled parents and young woman whose tits haven’t fallen to waist level.

10. Spend more time regretting the things I said at the bar last night.

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