We’ve all been there: pants off, Busch Light open, pressing play on The X-Files Season Four… when an unexpected knock at the door intrudes on a normal Sunday afternoon. As a lady who lives alone in an apartment full of unused pilates DVDs to protect, I immediately jump to the defense. My first instinct is to say nothing and ride it out, but I want the stranger on the other side of my door to know that I am home and not worth their filthy intentions. While this may seem like an easy task, stranger-danger is an issue not to be taken lightly. Knowing this, I have come up with an effective approach that would turn away even Jeffrey Dahmer on an empty stomach.
1. Remember that everyone is a rapist-murderer. This is your mantra. If Dirty Dancing taught me anything, it is that anyone is capable of anything. I am not referring to overhead lifts. I am referring to the subplot of Baby exposing the Schumacher’s, an elderly couple that seemed innocent but they were actually thieves and stole everyone’s wallets at the resort. Baby laid it down damn right: TRUST NO ONE.
2. Move your ass. This does not refer to twerking. This refers to sprinting. Get to the door quick. You want the potential killer/candy bar seller to think that you were already waiting for them. You will catch them off guard and hopefully send them away in shame. It’s similar to a “whiskey dick” situation without the slide whistle noise in your head.
3. Hold something blunt in your hand. Weapon or not, holding a blunt object with a tight grip will give you an inflated sense of power. Keep it near the door for convenience. Suggested objects: the one-pound dumbbell that serves no purpose, the bottle of cotton candy vodka you will never drink but refuse to throw out, or the sword you bought while blacked out at a Renaissance Faire. Sir Fezzwick Wellington would be so proud!
4. Channel your inner Samuel L. Jackson. ENGLISH, MOTHERFUCKER! DO YOU SPEAK IT? When Mr. Jackson speaks, people listen. Why? Because the tone of his voice commands that you listen to him or you will die. Learn from his intimidating voice-inflections and aggressive word emphasis. Keep your words short and to the point to project a sense of urgency. Use the term “motherfucker” as often as possible. Example: “Who you trying to motherfuck, motherfucker?”
5. Peephole them. Witness the perp walk away and keep watching for one full minute after. The classic rookie move is to be fooled by the “Double-Back.” Should the stranger attempt the DB, immediately call them out as embarrassment is the deepest dagger of them all. The smaller you make them feel, the larger you will seem to appear. Proudly stand your ground with no pants on, gripping your over-priced rolling pin, and give that motherfucker some verbal hell because Mulder and Scully wait for no one.