Dear Men Who Insist on Texting Pictures of Their Penis:
I’m not judging you, honestly, I am not. Alright, I totally am. You deserve it, frankly. Listen, I’m into sexual fantasies. Really, I am. I love dirty things just as much as the next guy. Threesomes? Hell yeah! Riding crops and bullwhips? What a delightful treat! Bathing in baked beans while you wash my hair with beer? Is there a better way to spend a Sunday afternoon?! I love it all and I applaud you for bravely exploring your sexual freedom.
But, here’s the problem with your fetish: it’s boring. It just is. Have you ever looked at your penis? I mean really looked at it. It’s not that impressive. It’s fleshy, fat, and has those two weird bags hanging from it. It may curve left or right, but if you sent me a picture of a Slim Jim, I’d probably be equally impressed. Maybe if you threw some donuts around it like one of those stacking ring toys for babies or drew angry clown faces on it, I’d be moved to text you back and we could have coffee.
I’m confused about what you think happens when you hit “send”. Do you think we look at that picture of a semi-hard cock and your fat hairy belly and think, “Delicious!”? No, it is not. Let’s take a moment to review what happens once your lady friend receives your message:
OH! LOOK! I have a text
(open text pic, tilts head slightly)
Is that mushroom? Wait? Is that…..
(open text and forward to all our friends)
Message reads: BWHAHAHAHAHAHA! Can you believe he sent me this?
(post on Tumblr or forward to the New York Times)
So, let’s talk about the risk factor. At least when a person is tied to a bed of nails and spanked with a cat of nine tails, there’s some touching involved. There’s physical pleasure and maybe even an orgasm. Ruin your career and marriage over something exciting like that. A picture? Of your penis? C’mon. That’s as far as your deviance allows you to go? I know you can go further, I know you can. You’re a sick fuck who send pictures of your average penis to young women (I know it’s average because men who have above average penises like to save that information like a prize at the bottom of a cracker jack box). What I’m telling you is that if you’re going to ruin your reputation, do it with some umph! Put some energy into it! And by golly, let your jizz flow freely!
I know you’re a lovely man with “family values”. I’m sorry that your wife hasn’t given you a blow job since she clawed her way to an engagement ring and a miserably boring life in the ‘burbs. But you must, you must, find another idée fixe. Have you seen the internet? Take my advice: next time the ol’ ball and chain is at Saturday soccer game with the kids – light some candles, turn on your PC, and pull down those pants! Consider sites such as XNXX, RedTube or Pinterest. There are many exciting creative suggestions and it’s a great way to “productively” spend your mornings.
In conclusion, Men Who Insists on Texting Pictures of Their Penis, please stop. Please.
You are what you tweet.
Love this piece. Thanks for the laughs! Also, now hoping to one day receive a text photo of stacking ring toys on penis…
Bathing in baked beans, with a beer hair wash? That one’s going on the bucket list!
I dunno about that “prize at the bottom of a cracker jack box” thing. One of my friends in college was porn-star huge and made sure that information was as widely known across campus as possible, lol.