Kirk Novak: Real Fake Cragislist Ad #1

I will bare knuckle brawl a Harvard educated comedy writer for their job sight unseen

After earning a degree from a prestigious online university in a completely unrelated field, I thought to myself, “I can burn this worthless piece of paper and strike out to reinvent myself as a writer.” I was under the impression that this was the way life worked!

As my relatives might say, “Not so fast, college boy.” You know how you believed all those elitist doctors and lawyers and people who didn’t grow up spitting buckshot out of a squirrel leg at dinner probably had a fancy degree from Harvard University or attended some other East Coast, Ivy League, cocaine and caviar, spoon-fed-marble-aqueduct-of-champagne-to-the-mouths of-riches, type school? Well, apparently some of the assholes who write for your favorite stories like “Two and a Half Men,” honed their chops at the same institutions that have graduated half-illiterate presidents and Ponzi scheme pushing brokers!

As if I needed more evidence of the joke of the American Dream, the snake-oil salesmen who pimp it to us are actually writing the damn jokes about Joe and Jane Fat Roll that keep us believing anything is possible.

Look, if you’re sick of creating a white-man minstrel show in Cornell clothing, or tired of revisiting that same one-liner every Thursday that lampoons the Smoot-Hawley tariff act, name the time and place and I will fight you for your job.

I might not be able to spar with you intellectually, but I can write a mean motherfucking fart joke and I have watched enough backyard wrassling to know I can kick your ass physically.

This is America and violence solves everything. Including how to get your foot in the door of a writer’s room.

– Kirk Novak

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