Sandra Benedetto: Limericks for the New Year

There once was a wife who kissed Santa

And probably more (“Oh Mylanta!”)

Her husband saw all

and forgave her gall

but his manhood has not and it can’t, uh . . .

 

There’s not a gift exchange so rough

as when nothing’s good enough

“It’s cotton, not wool”

“It’s not compatible”

Next year thankless jerks get no stuff

 

There once was a girl who loved sweets

and indulged in holiday treats

Her blood sugar soared

Her doctor was floored

He said Fuck devil sugar, eat meat

Ryangoslingprotein

 

There once was a bustling workshop

of disgruntled elves who couldn’t stop

they went on strike

Santa’s head’s on a pike

now he’s a jolly red lollipop

 

There once was a girl so gung-ho

she resolved to lose weight snorting blow

her bottom looked fine

not so her bottom line

in 2016 no more snow

 

There is a bald man named Tom Skilling

whose reports are so unfulfilling

In December we suffer

from constant cloud cover

By New Year’s it’s time to start killing

 

 

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